By Christine Korol, Ph.D., Registered Psychologist, August 29, 2024, VOL. 5 ISSUE 26
As the summer winds down and we prepare for the start of a new school year, the focus often falls on getting children ready—buying supplies, adjusting schedules, and preparing for a fresh academic journey. But what about the parents? Major school transitions, whether it’s starting kindergarten, moving up to high school, or heading off to postsecondary education, often bring with them a whirlwind of anxiety, stress, and uncertainty—not just for children but for their parents as well.
Transitions like these mark significant milestones in a child’s life, and while they represent growth and new opportunities for kids, they can stir up fears in parents about their child’s ability to adapt, social pressures, academic challenges, and changes to familiar routines. It’s normal to feel anxious during this time. In fact, acknowledging and accepting these feelings is the first step toward managing them effectively. Here’s how parents can approach this back-to-school season with a greater sense of calm and confidence:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Recognizing and accepting your emotions about your child’s transition is essential. It’s natural to feel anxious or stressed, but suppressing these feelings can make them worse. Instead, give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling and know that you’re not alone. These emotions are a common part of parenting, especially when it comes to letting go and watching your child navigate new experiences.
It’s also important to remember that just because you’re nervous doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen. Feeling anxious is a normal response to uncertainty, but it’s not a predictor of future outcomes. In fact, many positive and growth-filled experiences are accompanied by feelings of nervousness. What matters is how you manage those emotions, allowing yourself to experience them without letting them dictate your behaviour or outlook. Embrace the nerves as a sign that you care deeply about your child’s well-being, but remind yourself that nerves and worst-case scenarios are not the same thing.
2. Shift Your Focus to What Can Go Right
It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts about everything that could go wrong. What if they struggle to make friends? What if they fall behind academically? Instead, try to shift your mindset to focus on the positives. Reflect on your child’s strengths and past successes. Remind yourself that they have the skills and resilience to handle new challenges. Consider the exciting opportunities that come with each transition, from making new friends to discovering new interests.
Remember, kids go through these transitions every year, and they adapt in ways that may surprise you. It’s okay if your child doesn’t end up in a class with all their friends or if they don’t get their favourite teacher. These situations, while challenging at the moment, often lead to growth, independence, and new connections. Even bigger changes, like a best friend attending a different high school or university, are manageable. Kids are remarkably resilient and capable of forming new relationships, finding new mentors, and thriving in environments that initially feel unfamiliar. Trust that your child, like so many others before them, will find their way through these transitions and come out stronger on the other side.
3. Embrace Challenges as Opportunities for Growth
While it’s natural to want to shield your child from difficulties, overprotecting them can hinder their development. Challenges are an essential part of growing up. They help children build resilience, problem-solving skills, and independence. When parents view challenges as opportunities for growth, it can alleviate some of their anxiety and allow them to support their child in a more balanced way.
Eli Lebowitz’s SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) program is a highly effective approach designed to help parents reduce the ways they accommodate their child’s anxiety. By teaching parents to limit their involvement in anxiety-driven behaviours—such as excessive reassurance or avoiding situations that provoke anxiety—SPACE encourages children to confront their fears and build resilience. This approach is particularly relevant when it comes to school transitions, as overprotective tendencies can prevent children from developing the independence and problem-solving skills needed to navigate these challenges on their own. By gradually stepping back and allowing children to experience manageable stressors, parents empower their kids to figure things out independently, fostering long-term emotional growth and confidence. Parents interested in learning more about this approach can explore Lebowitz’s book, Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, which offers valuable insights and practical strategies for limiting accommodation and fostering independence.
4. Model Calmness and Confidence
Children often look to their parents to gauge how to react to new situations. Modeling calmness and confidence, even when you’re feeling nervous, helps your child feel more secure. But beyond just appearing confident, take it a step further: actively remind your child of all the challenges they’ve faced and overcome in the past. Point out the moments when they solved problems on their own, made new friends, or adapted to a new school year with resilience. Reflecting on these successes can empower them to trust their own capabilities.
Engage in conversations about what could be exciting about the upcoming year. Ask them what they’re looking forward to—whether it’s a new subject, extracurricular activities, or the chance to meet new people. Share your own thoughts on what could be fun and interesting for them in the year ahead, reinforcing a sense of anticipation rather than fear. By focusing on these positives and reminding them of their own strengths, you’re not just saying, “You’ve got this”—you’re showing them why they should believe it too. This kind of confidence, rooted in real experiences and forward-looking excitement, helps your child approach new transitions with a stronger sense of self-assurance.
5. Trust Your Child and Shift Your Focus
At some point, you have to trust that your child is capable of navigating their school experience. By giving them space to learn and grow on their own, you’re helping them develop critical life skills. Shifting your focus away from constant worry not only benefits your child but also helps you manage your own anxiety. One way to achieve this is by practicing attention control or refocusing techniques.
When anxious thoughts start to spiral, gently redirect your attention to the present moment. Sometimes, focusing on simple, mundane tasks like housework, organizing your space, or preparing meals can be surprisingly effective at grounding you. These tasks don’t require intense concentration but can provide enough distraction to keep your mind from wandering too far into worry.
If your anxiety feels more intense and makes it difficult to focus on quiet activities like meditation or deep breathing, try engaging in something more active. Exercise, whether it’s a brisk walk, yoga, or even dancing, can help release tension and shift your attention away from anxious thoughts. Going out in nature is particularly powerful; being surrounded by natural beauty has been shown to reduce stress and promote mental clarity. Whether it’s a hike in the woods, a walk by the beach, or even a visit to a local park, connecting with nature helps reset your mind and body.
More engaging activities, such as creative projects, hobbies, or even spending time with friends, can also be effective if you’re feeling particularly restless. Whether it’s painting, cooking, gardening, or playing a sport, these activities demand more focus and can help break the cycle of anxiety, providing a sense of accomplishment and joy.
By consistently practicing these mental and physical shifts, you can reduce the intensity of your anxiety and model healthy coping strategies for your child. Trust that they will figure things out, just as you will, and know that shifting your focus helps both of you move forward with greater resilience and confidence.
Supporting Parents and Children Through Transitions
In addition to these key strategies, it’s crucial to recognize that the best way to support your child during school transitions is often by focusing on yourself. It may sound counterintuitive, but your child doesn’t need a parent who hovers, worries or tries to shield them from every bump in the road. What they need is a parent who knows how to manage their own anxiety. Prioritizing your mental well-being through mindfulness, talking to other parents, or even seeking professional help if necessary can make all the difference. After all, when you’re calm, present, and confident, your child will feel it too.
The truth is, the less you let your anxiety control your behaviour, the more space your child has to thrive. School transitions are their opportunity to grow, not yours to control. By balancing support with independence and trusting in your child’s resilience, you’ll not only reduce your own stress but also give your child the room they need to figure things out on their own. The more you let go, the better both of you will navigate this back-to-school season with confidence and ease.
About Dr. Christine Korol Dr. Christine Korol is a registered psychologist, Director of the Vancouver Anxiety Centre and an Adjunct Professor in the Department of Psychology at UBC. She is the President of the CACBT – Canadian Association of Cognitive and Behavioural Therapies. For over 20 years, Dr. Korol has been helping people learn to thrive in difficult situations, reducing their stress and anxiety and increasing their enjoyment of their relationships and careers. Dr. Korol is passionate about bringing science-based mental health information to the public. Personally overcoming her own panic and anxiety issues, Dr. Korol is open about having OCD, and helps others learn how to live happily with it. For more of Dr. Korol’s insights, please visit her website. www.vancouveranxiety.com
