Christine Whelan, FEO, January 9, 2025, VOL. 6 ISSUE 9
Known in the community as ‘Deacon Deb,’ Reverend Deborah Fairlie has been officiating weddings, funerals, and baptisms since 2018. The retired public servant of 30 years is also a death doula and grief educator. She and her husband, Stephen Muth, a retired funeral director, are both from the Fort Erie area.
Their journey began when Deborah, Stephen, and a third partner decided to open a transfer service. This service involved picking up deceased bodies and taking them to cremation.
They briefly opened up a business on Jarvis Street. “This is when I became a chaplain,” Fairlie explained. “I wanted to be their in-house chaplain for funerals.”
During that time, she joined the Bridgeburg BIA. She got to know the community, including the people from the Bell Tower Community Arts & Entertainment Complex, while it was open, setting up an arrangement to refer business to each other.
When that business didn’t work out for them, Deborah and Stephen took some time to re-group. About five years ago, Deborah was drawn to a training opportunity that had crossed her path: an End-of-Life or Death Doula training course.
“Oh, holy cow, that tied it all together!”
A DEATH DOULA, also known as an end-of-life doula, death midwife or death coach, is a person who helps a dying person and their loved ones through the dying process. They provide support, education, and guidance before, during, and after death.
From there, in 2017, when she was a chaplain, she became an ordained deacon with the local inclusive community church.
“We do weddings and funerals.” The bishops train the chaplains to perform these services under their insurance.
Deborah’s Celebrations with Heart website states, “A wedding officiant is dedicated to crafting a ceremony as unique as your relationship.” Funeral or celebration of life services are designed to be “as unique as the person you’re honouring.”
Death, All Her Life
The obvious next questions for me were about finding out the events that led Deborah to be drawn to this journey. Her answer made me wonder if it wasn’t just a matter of her choosing but life experience—and a calling—making that choice for her.
Reflecting on years ago, Deborah reflected, “There was a lot of death in my family. As they were reaching their time, I was always asked to sit with these people. I don’t know why.” She was just asked. “And I recall, I guess I was thirty-something when my aunt was passing away, my cousins called me to her deathbed. I made everyone hold hands. She died the minute I got there.”
We talked about the conversations she has with those who are coming to the end of this lifetime. “I’ve never been afraid of it. Because I know that there is life after death. And I’m very comfortable with that.”
I asked if she shared her belief that something was waiting for them. She answered, smiling, “They tell me. If they’re able, they tell me it’s time to go.”
Then, when she met and married her husband, Stephen, “We talked about the process all the time. We talk about the actual logistics of what funeral directors do. I was always intrigued by it.”
Deborah says Stephen has the personality for the occupation. He is very gentle and quiet. He works well one-on-one.
As a deacon for her church, she can visit members of the congregation in the hospital. She can visit anyone outside her congregation only if invited by family.
With her training, she can now do end-of-life visitation at Gilmore Lodge.
“I joined Hospice Niagara before I retired.” The training was done during the pandemic four years prior. Fairlie has only been retired for two years.
At Hospice Niagara, she is a grief facilitator. “We do grief circles. It’s an eight-week program,” for families who have lost a loved one.
Bridging the Gap: Death Doulas
Deborah trained not only as a death doula but also in end-of-life health care. “I’m trained to know what to look for. There are certain signs that the body is going into this stage.”
She continued, “We kept talking about this gap in this training. Death doulas are caregivers by nature. Most of them are nurses and PSWs. There are a lot of chaplains as well.”
She has joined the Death Doula Ontario Network. “I’m also a member of another one in BC. It’s about support.”
Deborah says this is a part of her ministry. “My ministry bridges the gap between health professionals and families. When someone is given a final prognosis, they must get their affairs in order.” But what if they don’t have them in order and they’re grieving?
Deborah explained that death doulas provide those kinds of educational workshops. She showed me a couple of flyers from previous workshops she had been involved in over the past two years.
“We’ve done five of them.”
“Advance End of Life Pre-Planning” workshops are 2.5 hours long and are offered free of charge once a year. The last one was scheduled for May 23, 2024, at the Stevensville Library in partnership with Bridges Community Health Centre, Meristem Financial Services Inc., Death Doula Ontario Network, and Celebration with Heart. Deborah’s husband, Stephen, is also involved with the workshops as a funeral director.
The agenda of these afternoon events includes topics such as managing emotions and grief, your health and financial well-being, grief and legacies, as well as traditional funerals, transfer services and final dispositions.
There is a Funeral Planning Checklist that has gone through. From choosing burial, cremation, or anatomical donation to choosing the type of gathering, service, ceremony, or memorial to personalize their final event, this list helps anyone get their affairs in order and consider what needs to be involved.
She says her services are not just for planning. She is also a certified grief educator, trained by David Kessler. “Grief can be present at any time, for anyone.” We talked about grief as a very personal process.
“I go where there is a need. I am a friendly visitor before or after the end of life. It is my ministry as a deacon to answer the call.” She also provides respite during those last days that take so much from loved ones.
Deborah’s services are known through word of mouth and by invitation only.
Her next step is to find more interest. She would like to gather. “Let’s have the death conversation.” Her next project is to create an environment where people can feel comfortable having that conversation
“Grief. You can’t go under it. You can’t go over it. You have to walk through it.”
To learn more about Deborah Fairlie and Celebrations with Heart, you can go to her website: celebrationswithheart.ca